Conflict in Relationships. . . Say What you Mean and Mean What you ...

Misunderstandings are at the heart of many relationship problems. Today, I experienced the art of miscommunication by messing up a well intended email.

My emotions went from confused ? what was there not to understand? bewildered ? surely it?s clear for any one to read!!? to full? on amusement ? laughing at myself with the absurdity of trying so hard to get it ?right?? after all ?when I re-read my communication, I realised that it didn?t actually say what I had intended at all, and in fact it didn?t make much sense!

I can only be thankful that fortunately the recipient?was not someone I?m in a relationship with or someone who I happen to be in conflict with nor was what I wrote offensive in any way!!

All relationships ? friendships, family, romantic and professional ? can potentially be destroyed by conflict.

Almost all conflicts involve communication problems, both as a cause and as an effect.

Generally misunderstandings result from poor communication which can easily cause???? conflict or make things worse. More so, once a conflict has started, the communication problems often worsen because people in conflict tend not to communicate with each other at ease or as frequently, ?as openly and as accurately as they do when the relationship isn?t strained. ?Therefore communication is central to most conflict situations.

We are 100% responsible for our own communication, which involves at the very least two people the speaker and the listener. ?Sometimes there are third parties: in-between people who carry messages from one person to another, for example: children, colleagues also allowing for problems to be developed at all three of these sources.

Speakers are often unclear about what they mean, which almost guarantees what they say will be unclear as well. Even when people know what they mean, often they don?t say it as clearly as they should. They may hide their true feelings or ideas intentionally or unintentionally. Either way, people often get confused about other people?s messages.

This is especially common when people from different cultures try to communicate (I?ve experienced this too, I?m married to an Italian) Even if languages are the same, culture can act like a lens through which we see and interpret the world. If cultures are different, it is easy for the same statement to mean one thing to one person and something different to someone else. Again, this can leave room for intercultural communication to be especially prone to errors.

Listeners also are sources of communication problems. People often fail to listen carefully. The biggest challenge for us as listeners is NOT to assume that we know what the other person is saying or will say (because we?ve heard it before, or assume that one person is ?just like? another person from the same group).

When people are in conflict, they often concentrate more on what they are going to say in response to their opponent?s statement, rather than listening to their opponents? words with full attention. The result, again, is misunderstandings, and often unnecessary escalation of a conflict.

Third parties can make communication better, or they can make it worse. Skilled third parties can help speakers clarify what they are saying, and they can help listeners hear what is really meant. They can act as go-betweens, carrying messages between people who cannot or will not meet face-to-face. Unskilled third parties or third parties with a different agenda can make matters worse.

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